A Year of Butch Blues

***The thumbnail image is a drawing of me navigating the emotions and waters of life(viewable on web). ***

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Maybe I'm a fool
A fool like you
Believing in heaven
From inside a zoo

Thinking there's a God
Laughing above
Oh, he is a sinner
For letting us loose

[Flowers R. Blooming] by Peter Cat Recording Co.

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I started writing this piece in December 2024 and as I’m writing now (January 16^th , 2025) my dad is currently in the hospital with pneunomia. My heart is heavy at this time and I would appreciate any loving thoughts and prayers sent his way.

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It’s April of 2024. I am bored in the car, endlessly scrolling on spotify. I see that audiobooks are available for listening and I peruse the LGBTQIA2S+ section for anything juicy. A certain title catches my eye: Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H. This book immediately grabs my attention because, in all honesty, I did not expect to see a muslim-centered book in the first few scrolls of the LGBTQIA2S+ section of popular audiobooks. At the time, I did not make the connection between the title’s overt reference to Leslie Feinburg’s incredible gift to human history, Stone Butch Blues - but I’ll make my way there in time. I begin listening out of curiosity to see where this novel will take me and in no time the words “oh shit” cross my mind when I realize how deeply invested in this memoir I was about to be. Tears were already flowing down my face while only midway through the first chapter.

I found a great and quick summary of the book on muslimgirl by Maisha Samiha to pull you up to speed if you have not read or heard about this book.

I found myself glued to this book because I was raised in the faith of Islam and the teachings of the Quran, but knew this religion wasn’t for me by the age of 13. While I have pleasant memories of my mom sitting with me and sharing her favourite teachings and stories of Islam, I have many more associations with this religion where I felt surveilled, restricted, and shamed. I remember learning to connect with the divine and having faith in angels and a god by the time I was seven years old (which felt natural to my child self) through this religion, but then questioning a lot of seemingly arbitrary social rules and regulations as I grew older. So, by age of 13, I knew I did not believe in any god and wouldn’t explore my spiritual beliefs till after my dance with death a few years later (which you can read more about here, if interested). So, seeing a queer-muslim memoir I was beyond interested to see how a hijabi person weaves her religious practice with her gay existence.

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I never imagined my adult self genuinely writing about Islam. While reading, I occasionally found some words and concepts to be activating (alternative word for triggering) to my psyche, however, HBB was also an extremely healing read. Every chapter felt like water cleansing a deep wound that growing up with Islam created in me. The authors unwavering faith in their religion was commendable, as well as their ability to think originally about these centuries old stories, which many have watered down as place-holders for convenient justifications of dominant cultural beliefs (patriarchy, queer-phobias, anti-blackness, etc…). I honestly found it pretty amazing that her faith never faltered, even as her fellow muslim practitioners and teachers disappointed her in their limited desire to probe further into feminist and queer readings of the Quran. Others people’s lack of curiosity never pushed her to walk away from her faith. Which was the opposite of my experience.

Although my current personal spiritual beliefs differ from Lamya’s, her writing left me with so much hope. One of my favourite passages of the book, I will share below. My father also read this passage to me and shared that it was his favourite as well (which, yes, did make me cry because how lucky am I to have a muslim father I can share this book with. Love u dad!)

I found this passage to be immensely beautiful as it directly references a creation story I’m sure many who practice monotheistic religions, or not, are familiar with. Instead of accepting the culturally accepted notion of a cis-gendered Adam with a heterosexual partner, Lamya’s vigorous reading of the Quran shares how the root words of the story of human creation in Islam are actually non-binary and queer. Why did I never learn this? “Hidden” in plain sight, the gender-fluid and queer, embedded into human existence in this Islamic creation story and yet, I never heard any prominent muslim leader in my young years discuss this. Of course, I know all too well why this information is not part of the foundational learning of this religion. Like most monotheistic religions, the main goal is subservience and adherence to power structures of domination. Queer and feminist revolution, although it benefits everyones freedom, is not the order of the day.

It would be remiss of me to not mention that there are people who practice Islam who yearn for it in the ways that, Lamya, seeks as well. In Toronto, we are lucky to have the Queer Muslim Network who actively work to create space for transformational, queer, and feminist approaches to Islam. I have never personally attended a QMN event because I do not practice Islam or identity as muslim, but I would love to attend an event one day as a guest with my dad.

Even though, Lamya’s faith is a central pillar of the book, it’s the exploration and search for community that was another key factor that maintained my interest in this book. Would Lamya find her community of belonging? Will she find her circle of love? Does she sacrifice her faith to do so? (!Spoiler: yes, yes, no!)

Reading Lamya’s work was expansive and healing. Her work showed me how even ancient pillars of thought can be transformed and seen from a new perspective.

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This book is a clear reference to Leslie Feinburg’s, Stone Butch Blues, which I never read until this winter. The fight for belonging and community are the central components of SBB. It’s the story of a white queer person, queer in gender and sexuality, a social outlier and outcast, in the 1950’s-1980’s in (mainly) Buffalo, New York. This book is interestingly enough, genre-ed as fiction, although it’s very much a memoir. Leslie addresses this mystery at the end of the book as well.

Similar, to HBB, once I started reading SBB, I couldn’t stop. It reads like smooth butter. Poetic, honest, and gripping. My heart strings were tugged in the first few pages, which my friend and I read aloud to each other. Dissimilar to HBB, SBB is incredibly violent. It’s full of sexual and physical violence. There is a warning at the beginning of the book that addresses this:

The violence is what made SBB a slower read for me. The violence is heartbreaking, unjustified, and frequent. As much as the violence broke my spirit over and over, I knew I couldn’t look away. Like stated in the beginning of the novel, to look away from the violence was to look away from the reality of State violence carried out on those who fall out of the social order of the day. I felt it was extremely important for me to bare witness to Leslie’s story, which is apart of the greater story of queer, trans, and the working class people of North America/ Colonial Turtle Island. My friend asked me before we started reading: “carah, how are you going to take care while we read this book?” And I honestly forget how I originally answered them. But, I revisited this question almost every chapter while reading. Not only was the violence causing me mental strife, but it was uncanny to see the same social struggles that Leslie and their community were facing in the later 20^th century, be mirrored in the world today.

Alongside the violence in this book, a major component is love and care from community. This weaves around the many incidents of violence. The queer and butch Elders that Leslie seeks out, take her under their wing and offer much knowledge and housing. Oftentimes, when Leslie is houseless, there is a someone who has a couch for them to call home for a while. When someone is beat violently and/or assaulted by the police, there are those who reach out to lend comfort and care. Of course, not everyone can survive the violent hardship of constantly being targeted for being “othered,” even with community care. Some take their lives, some lose themselves mentally, some people just pretend to be what they are not. Beyond the external societal factors, there are also disharmonies within these communal pockets of safety. Those who don’t understand trans folks, those who believe in gender roles within queer coupling, and, naturally, relationship drama, etc… Even so, there are many efforts of conflict resolution and forgiveness, knowing that their community is so precious.

Despite the incredible amount of violence in the pages of this book, there is one saving grace that remains steady and constant: Leslie’s tender heart. It is absolutely incredible the way Leslie remains soft, compassionate, and kind even after every violent encounter. Where others become lost, hard as stone, or ice cold, Leslie never surrenders the power of their gentle soul.

Although religion does not have an overt role in SBB, this book is not deprived of spirituality or faith. Leslie is Jewish, but does not practice the religious traditions of Judaism. The role of spirituality for her comes through in meaningful dreams, deep connections with the land (and stars), and Leslie’s unquestioning desire to survive. There are many pivotal moments in Leslie’s life where she will have a deeply, vivid, and impactful dream that speaks to her trans community that she does not yet have the language to describe.

Reading SBB, felt like reading the coming of age queer book I never read as a young teen. It is truly one of those rare books where all the secrets of the universe seem to reveal themselves between the lines. Leslie is a compassionate and tender being who always looks ahead. This book was a slice of real ass life. No fluff, no bullshit. Just real, raw, and true. It is an ode to the undeniable fact that are all connected and we need to fight (organize) for the future of those to come.

I will share this passage from Leslie, which they wrote for the tenth year anniversary of the book, that I feel captures the nature of this transient, yet timeless, novel:

As part of Leslie’s values and publishing legacy, their book is available for free on their website. I found it fascinating that in 2024, I’m reading a book online by a writer who passed away in 2014, but had the foresight to make a revolutionary book published originally in 1993 legible and accessible for the decades to come.

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Both these Butch Blues books were pivotal and comforting in the sense that both authors are striving to push for change in both their lives and their works. Life isn’t easy and this is inescapable for anyone. As the year 2025 rolls in and many facets of life are primed for drastic change, these books are a calling-in to search for those to call community.

Reading the Butch Blues stories shaped my year (2024) and perhaps my life. Even as I conclude this newsletter, I feel there is so much more to say about these books. Even as I wrote, rewrote, and deleted passages, I worry if I didn’t say enough or wrote about the wrong things. Did I do these books justice in this short (long for some) writing? I still don’t know, but I write regardless.

In a book I am currently reading, The Dancing Healers by Carl. A Hammerschlag, I found a quote that connects the journey of both these books simply and beautifully:

The opportunity to read Stone Butch Blues came about with the shared desire of my good friend and I to co-create a booklist to be better prepared for a workshop that we will be hosting on February 23rd, 2025 (stay tuned! :~))

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If you made it, this far thank you for reading my work all the way through! This is the part where I talk about how to reach me if you are interested in divination. I recently began asking for reviews from past clients and have a few up on my site now.

If you would like to book a virtual session with me to honour some time to be in connection with your spiritual team/self, here is an overview of what I’m currently offering:

30 minutes / $44 is for quicker and straight forward inquiries i.e. general check-in, insight into a situation, a yes/no situation etc…

1 hour / $88 offers more time for a deep dive into a complex or layered situation, or if you just want more time + space to check in with yourself.

I use candle wax divination to discern messages at the beginning of each reading.

Feel free to use this link to book a virtual reading with me and you can read more about my divination practice here.

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Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed what you read here, feel free to forward it to someone who may enjoy reading these types of emails in their inbox.

Below are other independent or local writers who I enjoy getting emails from to avoid being chained to socials:

• Friday things by Stacy Lee Kong (smart pop culture analysis)

• The Grind Mag (radical independent mag and offers free physical copies avail all around TO!)

• SapphSociety (journal like observations and stories from a genius trans/black/caribbean mind)

• Bonesthrown (deeply mindful thoughts or interviews about the body and our relations to earth and each other)

• Soul Conscious Creative (beautifully written self-reflections by Akilah W.)

much love,

carah (care-rah)