On Kindness // Being an Assh0le

**Please note everything shared here is based on my own personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings in regards to navigating my own mental health journey. Hopefully there can be wisdom or a bridge shared in reading this newsletter**

[Verse 1]
Bless my heart, bless my soul
Didn't think I'd make it to twenty-two years old
There must be someone up above
Sayin', "Come on, Brittany, you got to come on up"

[Verse 2]
So, bless my heart and bless yours, too
I don't know where I'm gonna go
Don't know what I'm gonna do
There must be somebody up above
Sayin', "Come on, Brittany, you got to come on up

-Hold On by {Alabama Shakes}

✷ ✷ ✷

pt II

can you love me?

am i worthy of love?

with my horribleness and all? even when I give in to the abyss?

even when i give in to anger to avoid my vulnerability and fears?

ON ANGER

My last newsletter I shared my history with suicide, depression, and finding my zest for life (!). A lot has happened since November 2024 began (personally, locally, and globally) and it got me thinking about the other side of kindest - cruelness, coldness, and hate. I got to thinking about how much I've lived in this opposition and the sentiments that still linger in me.

For me, the other side of depression was being an asshole - especially to myself. For a long cycle in my life, anger became the way I guarded my vulnerability and it stopped anybody from prying open my hard shell and getting too close. Anger was the door keeper to a lot of the pain I found trapped within me. When I did let the anger dissipate, I was left alone with my sadness/pain/fear/numbness and no clue what do with these emotions. So I would let myself spiral in isolation.

I found myself thinking about this angry cycle of my life in early November when confronted with the results of the American election + when thinking on the continual dumbass decisions of the premier of Ontario. As much as American politics does not reflect the whole wide world, I found myself spiralling when thinking about the global connections of a rising a far-right movement. These thoughts honestly gripped me with immense fear and grief.

✷ ✷ ✷

pt I

Loving Kindness,

how do you feel so close and yet so far?

i open my arms to heaven

to surrender

ON WIELDING ANGER

After I let myself feel the grief and fear that was running rampant in my body, I told myself "I can't let myself live like this, this isn't sustainable."

"In fact," I told myself. "I know a lot more now and I have to calm down."

⭐︎

HOLD EACH SHOULDER WITH THE OPPOSITE HAND - HUG YOURSELF.

RUB YOUR SHOULDERS AND SQUEEZE IF THAT FEELS COMFORTING.

"I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL."

BREATH OUT WITH A BIG SIGH. BREATH IN. HOLD. BREATH OUT, DEEPLY.

"I AM SUPPORTED AND I AM LOVED."

FINAL SQUEEZE AND EXHALE. LET GO.

⭐︎

I was able to ground myself by remembering that I am not alone in my fear and grief. "Wake up, carah!!!" Many of the writers I adore, wrote while actively facing either life threatening circumstances or from knowing that the State did not give one fuck about their right to live a fulfilling and safe life. This did not stop them from finding ways to connect, create, and share. Their work outlives their time on earth and ushers in a new generation of thinkers, creators, leaders, and feelers (thank you Mama Jen for this reminder).

If the State nourishes hatred, ignorance, and fear: I lean deeper into kindness, knowledge sharing, and living in my truth. I lean deeper into finding ways of sustainably living, reciprocity, and respect. I do not underestimate, however small, the importance of the nourishing waters of kindness and gentleness. I save this for my community. I learn to wield my anger in new ways as I learn how to be me in this new cycle, with new beliefs, and new agendas. I learn how my anger can sustain me and give me important information. How I can respect my anger and use it to burn down to build- and not destroy- myself (fully).

✷ ✷ ✷

pt III

maybe, it's facing the embers of this angry fire

to scrape through the soot

maybe, it's finding what yearns to be seen

maybe, I'm not so horrible after all

maybe, the effort of trying is inspiring

of looking for my courage

ON TRANSFORMING ANGER

The week prior a friend recommended a very popular romance series for me to read and I was purposefully avoiding this series because it was popular (the hipster in me is strong). I ended up, perhaps quite unhealthily and in an obsessed fashion, listening to the audiobooks of this series in a little over a week (skipping the fourth tbh, thank you TPL). I consumed those books for the romance first and foremost, but surprisingly, I found the world building enthralling. I was fully emerged in this white woman's cis and heteronormative world and loving most of it. It was a fantastical escape that I didn't know I was yearning for.

In the fifth instalment in the series, the perspective shifts to another character and we, the reader, are taken into a different worldview. I found myself intrigued with this fifth book for different reasons than the first three. In this book, the main character has major mental health issues and a non-existent love for self. I found myself drawn to the story because I was curious how the author was going to take us on the main characters healing journey (+ this book has the raunchiest sex scenes in the series, but I do think the author could of pushed them further but I digress).

The main character can be cold, cruel, and uses her words as a knife to keep others away. I found her character impossibly infuriating at times and, simultaneously, saw so much of my unfavourable traits in her. I was torn with wanting her to shut up and also having much compassion for her. While she's an absolute wretch to many around her, her cruelty comes from her self-hatred and inability to access her vulnerability. I understood a lot of her behaviour because I've been there and in a lot of ways, am still working through these remnants from my previous cycles. While feeling my worst, I treated the people around me the worst too. When I felt worthless and didn't understand how anyone could ever love me, I took out a lot of anger and frustration on those around me. I often spoke to myself in self-deprecating ways and relished when I suffered; I believed I deserved to suffer.

Seeing the journey of this character - her journey to self-acceptance, community building, and finding a way to healthily channel her inner fire- was cathartic. Her behaviour does isolate her because who wants to be around someone who is always looking for a fight? However, part of the beauty of her transformative tale was seeing her come to terms with accountability for her behaviour and apologizing to people she's hurt. What this story omits is the reality that not everyone will be accepting of her apology and they may not forgive her, but that's alright. These people walk away for their own peace. Maybe they leave forever and maybe they come back. There is beauty in the transformational power of coming to terms with the impact of your behaviour and seeking forgiveness from yourself and, if granted, from others.

** Quick insertion so my intent here doesn't get misconstrued. Everyone has their own limits and boundaries and one does not need to stick around and hope to see people change, especially in violent (physical/emotional/etc...) situations. But, I do hope that there is someone in each person's corner to support them in a loving transformation and that we each can find our way back when lost in the sauce ** 

I turn 26 on the 23rd of this month and I am proud of my life journey thus far. I'm proud of myself for pushing myself and facing the many parts that make me, me. I hope to carry this energy forward in my life forever. And if I forget, I hope I find my way back. I've been through much and I know there is much still to journey through and further transformation to endure. I don't know what the future holds and I am scared at times. But I want to meet this fear with love. Meet it hand in hand with my community around me. My community on this earth and in spirit.

✷ ✷ ✷

My Spiritual Services

I share personal and vulnerable stories in these newsletters because I hope that honestly sharing about myself will inspire something in you. I share because I don't offer spiritual services based on the thought that I'm "fully healed" or above anybody else. I am on this life journey with you and choosing to honour these spiritual gifts I've been gifted. I share these vulnerabilities because they've taught me much about compassion, honesty, and insight to navigating the many complex layers of this life.

✷ ✷ ✷

Are you looking for insight on your current life purpose? Wanting to check in with your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual self? Looking for dream clarification? Insight on a current life situation? Unsure about where you stand spiritually?

If you would like to book a virtual session with me to honour some time to be in connection with your spiritual team/self, here is an overview of what I’m currently offering [edited]:

30 minutes / $44 is for quick and straight forward inquiries i.e. general check-in, insight into a situation, a yes/no situation … etc…

1 hour / $88 offers more time for a deep dive into a complex or layered situation, or if you just want more time + space to check in with yourself. I use candle wax and water to discern messages at the beginning of the reading.

If you never had a tarot reading before, I’m offering you a 20 minute reading for free!

To book this reading with me, simply reply to this newsletter with your name + pronouns and that you’re interested in the newsletter offer. I’m currently offering all my readings virtually at the moment. This is for people who've never had a reading before and would like to see what’s going on. I am putting my trust in your honest interest and curiosity.

Feel free to use this link to book a virtual reading with me and you can read more about my tarot practice here.

✷ ✷ ✷

If you're like me and enjoy reading multiple books at once, here’s a peak of what my current chaos book pile looks like:

If you're looking for raunchy queer erotica recommendations, here are three books I enjoyed:

✷ ✷ ✷

Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed what you read here, feel free to forward it to someone who may enjoy reading these types of emails in their inbox.

Below are other independent or local writers who I enjoy getting emails from to avoid being chained to socials:

• Friday things by Stacy Lee Kong (smart pop culture analysis)

• The Grind Mag (radical independent mag and offers free physical copies avail all around TO!)

• SapphSociety (journal like observations and stories from a genius trans/black/caribbean mind)

• Bonesthrown (deeply mindful thoughts or interviews about the body and our relations to earth and each other)

• Soul Conscious Creative (beautifully written self-reflections by Akilah W.)

much love,

carah (care-rah)